Nothing
by dreamgoddess'92
Summary: Emily couldn’t take much more of this. Emily makes a hard decision regarding her 'relationship' with Hotch and realizes there was nothing there in the first place.


Hey everybody!

I was going to write something totally different but this song came on to my iTouch when I shuffled it and (BAM!) this story was written. I'm going to write a Hotch story like this in response so keep an eye out for that. I had one of those days today so that's why this fic is sad and not what I normally write for H/P. I guess my mood and the song interfered with my original story plan (which was way happier than this one).

Nonetheless I do not own Criminal Minds (I'll get there eventually-just watch) nor "Gone" by Madonna

I hope you all enjoy and please review.

* * *

S_elling out is not my thing._

_Walk away; I won't be broken again_

_I'm not; I'm not what you think_

Emily couldn't take much more of this.

It was one thing to be in love with someone who on occasion would drift away; it was another to love someone who was constantly somewhere else. It was difficult to love a man who was devoted to his obsession and haunted by a serial killer. Emily thought she could handle it. She was wrong.

Emily wasn't sure when it began, but all she could remember were the countless nights of affectionless sex instead of the passionate love making she had grown accustomed to.

He still worked late even though he had a place to go, someone to go home to. Emily didn't expect Hotch to change his habits just because they started a relationship outside of the office; she never wanted him to. His rituals and habits were some of the things that made their relationship so easy. They both knew the expectations of the job and they were okay with that. Well, they were.

The team was none the wiser which, as Emily and Hotch's relationship deteriorated before her eyes, Emily was grateful for. She didn't know how she'd handle explaining to JJ or Garcia how her romantic involvement with her old boss had flown south on a rocket ship bent for hell. Emily herself didn't want to admit it. She had never intended for it to end like this: To end at all for that matter. Perhaps she had been blinded by that smile she so rarely saw, that Emily failed to notice the expiration dates stamped in his dark eyes.

Fool.

Emily had never been one to walk away from a challenge or let go of something that was hard to handle. Emily prided herself in being stubborn and passionate about certain aspects of her life. Whether she was working out or chasing down an unsub, Emily pushed herself to the point of no return. She had also dedicated much time and energy to the relationship with Aaron Hotchner. Sadly, as Emily watched his soft face as he slept next to her, she realized her hard work wasn't going to pay off this time.

_Dream away your life_

_Someone else's dream_

_Nothing equals nothing_

Emily reached out and gently pushed a strand of hair out of Hotch's face and felt her heart constrict as he leaned into her hand as if seeking her touch. Subconsciously Hotch wanted her, but once rationality crept back into his brain Hotch fought that desire, but settled on the occasional slip up.

Emily had been alright with that in the beginning when everything was brand new. Though as time went on Emily found herself wanting more than the man who lay beside her could give. It wasn't necessarily unfair to want more when in a relationship, but at the same time Emily felt guilty for feeling that way.

Emily sat up in Hotch's bed and felt her resolve strengthen as she began to calculate the risks of staying in a relationship with him. He was one hundred percent devoted to catching Foyet and barely one percent focused on her. Emily understood with perfect clarity why and she accepted that statistic; she just wished she had a fighting chance despite Foyet's unfair advantage. Emily figured as long as Foyet was at large, she'd never truly have Aaron Hotchner for herself.

It was hard to figure out what hurt worse.

The fact she was willing to sacrifice her happiness for something she thought was possible or the fact there might not have been anything there in the first place. It's difficult to grasp the concept that he might never have been hers when she would always be his.

_Letting go is not my thing_

_Walk away: won't let it happen again_

_I'm not; I'm not very smart_

Emily looked at Hotch once more before gently got out of bed so as not to disturb him. She looked around the room and quietly gathered her clothes which were strewn about his room in no pattern whatsoever. As she put her clothes on Emily closed her eyes to savor the last time she'd probably be with him like that. The memory of his touch scorched her skin and her eyes stung with unshed tears as she remembered how he whispered her name into her neck.

Deep down Emily didn't want to leave. She wanted to crawl back into bed and wrap her arms around his warm body. He kept the nightmares away; he made her feel safe. Emily sat down at the edge of the bed and put her head in her hands in defeat. Hotch had the ability to make Emily want to give up everything in order to be close to him. He made her work harder and act tougher. He made her want to forsake her own feelings and jump into bed with him just by looking at her.

He wasn't good for her.

Oh, how she wanted him though. Love wasn't rational and Emily knew it made fools out of the smartest of people. It turned your world upside down and suddenly you didn't care that it was raining while the sun was still shining. The very thought of Hotch made Emily's stomach flip flop with a torrent of emotions. Most of them wrapped around confusion and pushed around by love. Emily had to get out now.

_Why should I feel sad, _

_for what I never had?_

_Nothing equals nothing_

Emily lifted her head up and grabbed her shoes, not bothering to be quiet now. She was suffocating in his room; she had leave before it was too late. Emily wasn't strong enough to leave him, but she had to. She deserved more than this. Maybe she had always known that, but had pushed it aside when he came to her that night just weeks previous. Emily had be wrestling with her feelings for Hotch for so long that when he showed up on her doorstep obviously a little buzzed, it never occurred to Emily to turn him away. Their turning point had become her prison and Emily hadn't cared. Until now.

Emily had allowed herself so much heartache throughout her life: With John and countless others. Emily hadn't thought she'd hurt that way ever again. As she turned to look at Hotch one more time Emily realized Hotch would be the last heartbreak she would ever suffer. He had been so cold that she had welcomed the numbness that came with his affections. He sealed the cracks in her heart, but he did not stitch them up. It felt like all her heartbreak was crashing upon her like a hurricane's waves and Emily couldn't breathe.

She was drowning in the realization that she had never been good enough to help the man she so desperately wanted to. Hotch wasn't hers to fix, no matter how many times she tried. Emily didn't want to stay long enough for him to realize the same thing; she wouldn't wait around to be tossed to the side.

Taking a deep breath in, Emily turned and walked out of his room, peering backwards once more before shutting his bedroom door. He was still sleeping soundly in his warm bed, but she couldn't help but wonder how long it would be until he realized she was gone: Or if he'd realize it at all. She almost wished he had woken up and stopped her from leaving. Almost.

_Turn to stone_

_Lose my faith_

_I'll be gone_

_Before it happens_

Emily left her copy of his apartment key on the kitchen counter before she left. Emily didn't want to be tempted to come back to him if given the chance. Emily hesitated long enough to hear the creak of Hotch's bedroom door open before she hung her head and silently shut his door, walking away from him for what felt like forever. Emily hurried out of his building, hoping he'd let her go and praying he'd chase after her. A million contradictions cluttered her mind as Emily reacted as if on autopilot.

Lights flashed past Emily as she drove home, her phone shut off and her face wet with tears. The radio was playing some melancholy tune that made Emily's tears fall faster. With each mile she put between her and Hotch Emily let lose a strangled sob. There was no doubt this was one of the hardest decision she had ever made. It felt like she left a part of herself in his apartment that she would never have the courage to collect.

She had to hold it together. Emily had to get past this.

They would see each other at work and they would be professional: Emily had never been more grateful for her ability to compartmentalize so well. It would be hard, there was no doubt about that. The job came first though and they still had a killer on the lose. There was no telling when Foyet would be within arms reach, and Emily needed to be able to focus implacably. The team needed Emily to get a grip on herself and that thought alone made it a little easier to look in her rearview mirror one last time before there was nothing left of him in its view: Nothing left to tempt her to turn around and stop the biggest mistake of her life. Nothing.

_Selling out is not my thing_

_Walk away; I won't be broken again_

_I won't; I won't fall apart_

_Dream away your life_

_Dream away your dream_

_Nothing equals nothing_

* * *

So, not exactly the happiest story either, but at least I didn't kill anyone. *laugh* I feel like I needed to write this though. Between my mood today and the fact I've been all around 'ugh' lately I think this was a great outlet for those feelings. Hotch's fic like this called "Cold" will be the same kind of medicine. I will let them have a happy ending though (or maybe not-depends on my mood later on this week)

I hope you enjoyed my story. Reviews are greatly appreciated.

Peace out!


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